For the past few weeks, I've asked myself over and over if I should write about something that's so personal and painful. In order to move forward in my healing this must be done. As hard as it is for me to write about what I'm going through, my hope is that someone can relate. If you don't have tissues ready I suggest you grab one because my tears are already flowing. 

In less than two weeks, I'm going under the knife for an open myomectomy to remove two fibroids that are holding my uterus hostage. I like to refer to them as the devastating duo since they've been wreaking havoc on my uterus. LITERALLY. Earlier this year, I was overjoyed when I learned that my husband and I were pregnant with our first child (you probably didn't know that) but the excitement was short lived. 

The Diagnosis

I was ecstatic to have my first appointment to confirm the pregnancy. After months of trying to conceive, I couldn't believe that there was a little baby growing inside of me. During my first appointment the obgyn confirmed the due date, we heard the heartbeat, and he mentioned seeing a fibroid after reviewing the sonogram. As soon as he mentioned the word fibroid I grew concerned. He assured me that the fibroid was nowhere near the gestational sac and that it was nothing to be worried about. Fast forward a few weeks later, and I went to visit a new obgyn that was closer to home. 

The Miscarriage

I automatically knew something was wrong the day I miscarried. I'll spare all the details but I was in disbelief when I saw an empty sac on the screen. It was as if I was never pregnant. After a long day of multiple ultrasounds, my doctor confirmed that our baby had stopped growing. It was a devastating blow. To make matters worse we learned that I had not one but two fibroids. The only way that I'd be able to have kids would be to have them surgically removed. If not, I'd have a similar outcome. It was a lot to take in on one day. We were grieving the loss of our unborn child with the new reality that my fertility was at stake. 

The Blame Game

My life changed the second my fertility was called into question. I've always wanted to have kids but I also knew that I wanted to be at a place in my life where I could fully embrace motherhood. During this entire ordeal there have been moments where I've blamed myself for waiting to get pregnant. I blamed myself for the miscarriage. I felt guilty and heartbroken that I couldn't give my husband a gift he wanted just as much as I did. I was ashamed that my family wouldn't meet the new baby they had waited years for me to have. I was infuriated that the doctor I had went to for years saw the fibroid too late. I constantly wondered what would've happened if I knew sooner and the choices I could've made. The grief was unbearable and I was overwhelmed by emotion. 

At the end of the day, I always remind myself that life is filled with unforeseen occurrences (Ecclesiastes 9:11) and this was one of them. Deep down I knew that I didn't want to be bitter. I didn't want to be the girl that was angry every time she saw a stroller or knew of someone else that became pregnant. Everyday I do my best to pray for strength to continue to get through the situation without anger in my heart and to acknowledge my sadness as it comes, but not to wallow in it.  

The comfort within the scriptures and of Jehovah's future promises has provided me with peace. He has solidified time and time again that he hears my prayers and has shown me in ways I couldn't imagine. I've only been able to get through this from the strength he imparts along with the support of my family and close friends. After all the bad that has happened, I can see the good. Don't get it twisted, I have my triggers and days when it hurts but I'm trying to be positive. I know I'll have my rainbow baby in time and I'm crawling through the hurdles until I get there. 

I say crawling, because at times we can't always be super strong and jump through things. Although I'm crawling through these hurdles it shows that I'm still running the race, and moving forward. That's what's most important. What's also important is being able to find contentment in my current circumstances. It can be easy to focus on the negative, yet there are still so many things in my life that I am happy and grateful for each day. 

The Surgery

I'll be out of work for six weeks while I recover from surgery, with a short hospital stay. I'm going to have a pretty dope scar that will let me fit right in with all the c-section mamas. I have faith that one day I'll be one of them. After my surgery, I'll need to wait 3 months before trying to conceive. I'm pretty much guaranteed to have a c-section when the time comes. Also, if anyone has any suggestions for scar creams or oils, drop them in the comments or send me a DM.

"Hey doc, are we opening this scar back up or nah when I get pregnant? Can I get the bikini cut instead of the vertical? I'm not trying to have my scar all out on the gram." These are just a few of the questions I've asked my doctor. The one thing these fibroids haven't taken away is my sense of humor and I'm thankful for it. 

Lessons Learned

This experience has been rough and I know the road to recovery is going to be a long one. Feel free to let me know what some of your favorite books, movies, or TV shows are because I need all the suggestions I can get. Netflix is going to be my new bestie. Oh, and if you want to bring me food feel free to do that too. Checks, cash app, and venmo payments are also accepted since these hospital bills are no joke... getting rid of fibroids is expensive even with insurance.

Supporting & Encouraging Others

I've spent a lot of time researching fibroids and myomectomy recovery and I want to be an encouragement for who are enduring similar situations. I plan on documenting my recovery journey as much as I can. If you've ever experienced a miscarriage, fibroids, or myomectomy, or have any supportive words please send them my way. I'm trying to OD on encouragement, advice, and virtual hugs. I know these subjects are tough to talk about but they are so important.

Although my first pregnancy ended up in miscarriage, I have strong faith that this isn't the end. The devastating duo has tried it's best to ruin my life and I can't wait to settle the score (by means of my surgeon). I kid you not but I will be blasting Chris Brown Deuces in my hospital room so I can say deuces to these suckers. My uterus is currently the size of a pregnant woman that's 12 weeks and I cannot wait to get this stomach snatched! 

My Advice For Other Women

There are so many women that have no idea they have fibroids and don't find out until after they've become pregnant.  Although I always had rough periods, my pap smears were always normal and I thought nothing of the pain. I'd tell anyone woman that's trying to conceive to please get an ultrasound before trying. Have your doctor take a look inside to make sure everything's ok, especially since they typically won't do them unless you ask for one, or if you're already pregnant. I could've avoided so much pain and heartache if my fibroids were caught before my pregnancy. I'm hoping that this post can save someone from the heartache I've experienced or at least uplift and encourage someone on their journey towards motherhood. As women, we endure so much and it's always reassuring to know that you're not alone. 

Thanks so much for rocking with me, listening, and allowing me to be vulnerable. This blog post has been so scary to write, but I already feel relieved in sharing my truth.